Planning for Postpartum: 12 Tips
Just my kids, having a dual meltdown. At that point, the best thing to do as a mother was just take their picture so they never forget the constant joy they brought me in those early days. <3
When we brought my daughter home from the hospital, my immediate reaction to seeing my recently turned 2 year old son was, "He's huge! And so dirty!" And so began our new life as a family of four. In reality my son was still a baby himself and he had probably recently bathed. But we had just spent 2.5 days alone in the hospital getting to know our tiny, perfect newborn while our son was home recovering from hand foot and mouth disease. This sweet boy whom I had mothered for the past two years was already a threat to my new baby.
In the first five minutes after I was alone with them for the very first time, my son slammed his enormous head into her tiny one (by accident, but…yea). Then he cried when she was sleeping, needed to eat (immediately!) when I finally sat down, and he refused to get in the car seat when we were already running late. On top of that, we started potty training him because the pediatrician said it was “time".” I had no patience for his completely normal toddler behavior and his completely normal needs.
My body HURT all the time and my daughter wouldn’t sleep anywhere but my arms or, at times, a box on the kitchen table (cue loud noises from the two year old). I moved through our house in searing pain (my back, my hips, my recovering parts) and starving because I was nursing around the clock. I was alone most of the time and my chest felt like it was going to explode with despair, anxiety, and rage. And on top of that, I wasn’t even sure I loved my baby. She was perfect…I was a mess.
Writing this, I can literally feel the stress, rage, and all-consuming guilt of my 4th trimester boiling inside of me. My kids are now 2 and 4, so that stage is long behind us. My son is patient and caring with his little sister far beyond his years and my daughter, while definitely learning to assert herself in a very 2-year-old way, is happy and generally easy going. Things are so much easier now, and yet all of those postpartum feelings are still there, so easy to access, because they were so raw and so intense. Want me to cry? Ask me about the fall of 2018.
Postpartum is something very few women are adequately prepared for. Despite the fact that 80% of women suffer from baby blues, 1 in 8 women report symptoms of depression,1 in 3 pregnancy-related deaths in the United States occur postpartum from both physical and mental-health causes, and 3 out of 5 postpartum deaths are preventable, planning for postpartum is rarely a topic discussed at prenatal or postpartum OBGYN appointments. On top of that, social media is littered with perfectly staged pictures of precious newborns, cups of coffee, books, and super-soft blankets carefully laid out on a mother's color-coordinated lap. There is enormous pressure on mothers to breastfeed, get back to work, and fit back into their pre-pregnancy clothes. Not to mention that your baby is crying, you can't figure out why, and it's 3am.
Life with your newborn is going to hit you like a ton of bricks no matter how prepared you are, but there are some things you can do now to make postpartum just a little bit easier. (Pro tip: take a childbirth ed course to get a jump start on planning, and make some new parent friends)
Here are some simple steps that have worked for us in those very early days:
Get your resources lined up:
who can you call in the middle of the night? Figure out which friends and family members are okay with you calling them in the middle of the night if you need moral support. It might sound weird now, but knowing that you can connect with someone who will give you a non-judgmental ear during your darkest moments is going to be really important.
find postpartum support groups now - Whether it’s our circle of new mothers, these online meetings from Postpartum Support International, groups at a local hospital, or a local mothers group on Facebook (join when you’re still pregnant!), you may want to make some new friends once you’re a parent. Even if that doesn’t sound like your cup of tea right now, having friends who are going through what you’re going through can make a huge difference in how you perceive your experience.
find a lactation consultant - If you’re planning on breastfeeding, you may need the help of a lactation consultant to resolve any issues that arise. You can search for a local International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) at this website.
find a therapist - Don’t brush this off. Therapy is a critical tool that should have zero shame attached to it. You don’t have to share that you’re seeing a therapist if you don’t want to, but you should keep an open mind about contacting one, and it’s not a bad idea to find a local therapist who specializes in perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. This tool can help you find local resources.
Get your house ready
hire a cleaning service or ask for help - If you’re able, investing in a cleaning service for the first few months postpartum may be a lifesaver. If that’s not do-able for you, clean now what you’re going to be tempted to clean later, or, better yet - ask for help! People are going to want to help you - and they’re going to be glad to have you tell them what you need done.
feeding/postpartum stations - In the first week or two postpartum you’re still going to be bleeding (even with a c-section), so your bathroom routine is actually going to be a little complicated. Setting up stations in each bathroom with your supplies (pads, Tucks pads, Dermoplast, etc.) is going to save you from going up and down the stairs, which can be difficult initially. Additionally, it can be really helpful to set up “feeding stations” anywhere you think you’ll be feeding the baby. These can include wipes, burp cloths, snacks, water, a phone charger, etc.
cook food and freeze it - You’ve probably heard this before, but it’s true. Cooking is going to be hard when you don’t have any free hands. Cook now, freeze it. You’ll be glad you did.
make a plan with your partner - It can be helpful to think through household chores, baby care tasks, and sleeping schedules now so that you set some expectations for how you’re going to manage it all. Of course, this plan/agreement should be flexible, but talking about it now is going to be a lot less stressful than trying to figure things out when the baby is crying or you haven’t slept more than 3 hours that day.
talk to your employer about leave options - Try to have a conversation about your maternity leave with your HR department, boss, and team prior to leaving so that everyone is on the same page. For example, if you don’t get much paid leave, you might want to ask for additional unpaid leave or at least talk about what happens if you feel like you need it once the baby is here. There are lots of things to consider with regards to maternity leave and returning to work - check out Mindful Return for tons of great tips.
talk to a friend about newborns - This is a fun one… Ask a friend who had a baby recently how things were for her. Tell her to be honest and ask whether she has any good tips or local resources she would recommend. She may have also used a lactation consultant, birth or postpartum doula, or other services that really made a difference for her birth and postpartum experiences.
figure out how to handle family and friends - This is a less fun one. Everyone is going to want to meet your baby and everyone is going to have opinions on how you should be feeding/clothing/carrying/burping/bathing/ETC. your baby. Think long and hard now whether you can eliminate some of that from your first few weeks or months at home. Postpartum is not a great time to add extra stress to your life. If is perfectly reasonable and healthy to set boundaries and ask that certain guests visit at a later time. It might even be a good idea to spread that word now so that you don’t have to deal with that after the baby is born.
lower your expectations - This is an important one. Having a newborn is rarely as dreamy as it sounds. Yes, they are perfect, cuddly, super soft, adorable, and precious tiny humans. But they are also inconsistent, confusing, loud, smelly, messy, and very very demanding. That is true of all of them - even the really “good” ones. You’re going to be exhausted, recovering from birth and pregnancy, and trying to wrap your head around the existence of this little person and your new, seemingly never ending life as their parent. You may not bond with your baby right away and you are going to make mistakes. It’s OKAY. You are enough. Don’t expect too much of yourself and don’t try to do too much. Keeping that baby fed, clean, and safe is enough. You can do everything else later.
In conclusion, postpartum is going to be hard, but it doesn’t last forever. Preparing mentally and practically for this period can be a huge game changer. If you’re currently pregnant, our Childbirth Preparation Course includes preparation materials for a postpartum plan and we discuss all of this and more. Join us!
