Six Tips for a New Dad or Partner
Story Time
“Women will have achieved true equality when men share with them the responsibility of bringing up the next generation.” - Ruth Bader Ginsburg
It was 7:10am and my wife had been courageously laboring for 25 hours. With a couple more pushes, we’d be welcoming our newborn into the world and I felt ready. I had been preparing for this moment for my whole life (okay, like 9-months). I did the reading, attended the classes, and was generally proactive in learning. I was ready to start the journey of fatherhood *cue in the imagery of mid-20th century men self-medicating during their wive’s labors with cigars and scotch*.
When my daughter was born, I fully understood nothing would be the same. Raising and nurturing a newborn is quite time consuming, as you may have heard. At most, I had previously been responsible for the well-being of a rambunctious puppy. But a baby? It kinda sorta felt like more was going to go into this. I was academically prepared, but when you bring you child home from the hospital/birthing center/your bath tub downstairs for the first time, it’s a whole new ballgame.
While I may be woefully unqualified to make these next statements, I wanted to share my top six tips for not only enduring the early stages of fatherhood, but embracing and growing from the experience.
1. Get Your Hands Dirty
Let’s just start of by discussing that it doesn’t matter if your dad never changed a diaper. It doesn’t matter if your dad never fed a baby. Welcome to the 2020’s - where men are capable of raising children. Your child’s mother is exhausted. Not only did she recently birth a multi-pound organism out of a canal that had to stretch up to three times its normal amount (or is dealing with the healing of a c-section), but she’s also probably doing her fair share of child raising. So change the diapers, feed and play with the baby, and rock them to sleep every chance you get.
2. Take on Emotional Labor
You may be used to being a manly man, mowing the lawn in the AM, and fixing, um, stuff in the PM (at this point it’s probably clear I don’t embody the definition of a manly man). You may be used to taking on all the physical labor needs of your house, while your wife takes on the emotional labor, such as scheduling appointments, tracking when to change water filters, etc. Well, it’s now time for you to learn how to use a planner and split some of the emotional labor. Don’t look at your wife to track/schedule each of those 5,000 appointments your newborn needs - you can take it on. And of course, communicate it when everything is scheduled so she is aware.
3. Be Responsive
Responsiveness is a broad, multi-faceted topic. Let’s start with being responsive to your baby. This little critter is learning how to communicate with the world. Their body language and behavior may be them trying to indicate a need. How do you know what a newborn needs? In the beginning, it can be tough. Every cry sounds the same. They’re stressed. You’re stressed. But over time, if you pay close attention, you can understand specific ways they communicate. Furthermore, be responsive to your child’s mother’s needs. She’s dealing with more stress then you can probably imagine. Constantly check in with her to see what she needs and to see what you can take on. Again, child birth takes it toll physically and emotionally.
4. Read to your Child
One of the greatest gifts you can give your child is the love for reading. Not only does reading early and often to your child have potential cognitive benefits, but it’s a special time for you two to get lost in an adventure together. Most parents want their child to build a rich, interconnected network of words and phrases, and reading with them can help facilitate that. As you’re reading, point out specifics in the book and ask questions. “Where is the moon? Where is the duck?” Sure, your 2-month old isn’t going to be so responsive, but your 18-month old will want to impress you with their knowledge. It’s also a great way to start to establish a routine. Maybe it can be: dinner time, bath time, reading time, bed time.
5. Lean on a Support System
Those first few months with your newborn can be surprisingly isolating (even independent of the COVID-19 era). Your whole life is your baby and the child’s mother. But don’t forget the old saying, “It take a village”. The more supported you are, the greater the environment you foster for your child to grow up in. Support can come from a variety of places. There is your family, your friends, your co-workers, your community, etc. Lean on them for help. They don’t all need to necessarily look after your baby (I certainly wouldn’t trust some of my friends handling a child - no offense if you’re reading this); they can assist with laundry, cooking, or even just being someone to chat with.
6. Pajamas with Zippers >>>
You may feel this is a bit irrelevant or flippant with the other more thoughtful tips, but seriously, just buy the pajamas with zippers. When it’s 3am and you’re changing a diaper, the last thing you want to do is fiddle around with snaps. And holy moly, never buy anything with buttons. I don’t care how cute the child’s grandparents think those multi-piece outfits are with buttons everywhere, you’ll probably never actually put your child in that god forsaken outfit.